Pure Slush Lifespan Vol 2

Growing Up Lifespan Vol. 2

Abecedarian of a Gender Dysphoric Childhood

As soon as I knew anything of myself, I knew that I was a

Boy, despite the ample evidence of clothing and parts to the

Contrary. I had a firm commitment to this identity:

Dressing and—within myself—being like my father at

Every chance. Weekly trips to the grocery store, always a

Family event, I wore the hand-me-down jeans and shirts

Gotten from my older brother: Johnny Tremane! and

Hung my hands from beltless loops by the thumbs.

I was sure about who I was back then, those first ten years.

Just about until puberty, when the messages got amped up, trying to

Kill off that boy part of me with taunts, and threats that I would

Live a lonely life if I remained a tomboy. I didn’t understand what they

Meant. I had plenty of friends. It was as if they thought that

Now, at the age of ten, I was someone different than I had been,

Or maybe it was they who had changed? Anyway, I asked for a home

Perm so I could wear my hair in a flip like the beauty contestant I loved

Quietly and with deep secrecy, a kind of drag I wore

Restlessly that summer before fifth grade. Like all acts, it was

Short-lived, and by middle school, my he was back in secret glory,

Tomboy in navy blue blazer, my shaggy bangs and desert boots

Under the requisite dress-code skirts and jumpers. I remained a

Virgin until twenty, when I gave it that college try with a man

Well into his thirties. After that, I was able to announce I’m no

Xenophobe, let me taste the world’s full offering of bodies

Yin and yang and all the flavors between. I live my own Queer way; a

Zebra: neither black nor white, but the field on which they play.